When grief can feel like a relief

Death is a devastating moment for most, and can seem unbearable, but there are instances where the passing of someone close can also feel like a relief.

For example, if your close one had suffered a prolonged illness, it is perfectly reasonable for you to feel relieved that their pain and suffering is over.

Mathew Arnold (not his real name), a 40-year-old engineer from Sydney, felt more relief than grief when his father passed away due to a massive cardiac arrest after suffering multiple health issues.

Mathew was travelling to Melbourne for work when his father died, and even though he rushed back home when he learned his father had suffered a cardiac event, he couldn’t make it in time to be with his dad before he drew his last breath.

Confused by feeling relief

Although Mathew felt an immediate surge of grief, he was confused by the sense of relief that accompanied it.

He had quit a well-paying job in the UK to take care of his father who was struggling with multiple ailments like diabetes and hypertension. And after accepting a low-paying job in Sydney, he felt  cut off from the social life and friendships he had built over the years in the UK. He noted that he felt some guilt by not grieving as much as many in society expected after his father died.

“For some time, I felt terrible at being relieved by my father’s death,” Mathew said.

“It isn’t how loved ones are supposed to react. But I couldn’t help it. I think somewhere in the back of my mind; I’d wished he’d rather die than go through the suffering he did in his final years.”

Before his death, Mathew’s dad had suffered a stroke, and doctors had advised that his toes had to be amputated as an unhealed wound had become infested.

The mixed feelings that Mathew experienced are not uncommon.

A stage of grieving

Psychologists have defined relief as one of the stages or emotions of grief.

In Mathew’s case, the relief expressed the emotional and financial stress he was under when he returned to care for his dad. Despite his love for his dad, Mathew was also aware that his father’s quality of life was deteriorating exponentially.

“My dad was an active man, and he loathed being confined to the home and his bed,” he said.

“He used to say it would be better to die than live like this. I used to get angry at him when he said that, but I also understood his position.”

“When he passed suddenly, it was a shock to me. I felt lost and dejected because I couldn’t be with him in his last moments. But I believe he is at peace now.”

Genuine feelings

Mathew said he encountered snarky comments from a few relatives who felt he wasn’t ‘sad’ enough at his father’s death. He admitted that it made him feel bad for a while, but an elderly relative supported him and put him at ease.

“I am grateful that she stepped up at a moment where I could have broken down in self-doubt,” he said.

“Now, in retrospect, I believe my feelings after my father’s death were genuine. I didn’t mask it with fake tears. My loss is saddening, but from my dad’s perspective, he would have preferred to have moved on rather than being alive but bedridden for a few more years.”