Mourning the loss of an unknown parent: Bo’s story

The death of a parent for most people is a sad event. They knew the day would come, but that doesn’t make the grief and remorse any less real.

It leaves a hole in your life, and for many will be one of the most profound moments they have faced, given the central role that parents play in our lives.

For a certain group of people, however, the death of a parent assumes a much greater level of complexity, simply because they never knew them.

An unknown but significant number of people around the world are faced with this situation every year. Some find themselves children of single mothers whose fathers disappeared before they were born, for example, while others were brought into the world based on illicit affairs and the covering up of embarrassing secrets.

Some people never discover who their real parents were, while others only find out later in life. Sometimes the missing parent is alive, but sometimes they are not, and the child will never get the chance to know them.

Such was the situation facing Bo Kitty, a successful Melbourne-based life coach, project manager and business development strategist.

Her story sums of the pain and confusion of having an unknown parent pass away, and the strength needed to get through a deeply distressing experience.

It started with a nasty surprise when her mother, coming to visit, told Bo out of the blue that the man she believed to be her father was not actually her father after all.

Bo was 38 when she received this news.

“I was shocked when she told me. I’d always had a suspicion that I was different from my family, in part because they look sort of German and I look kind of Italian, but I still thought this was a joke at first,” she recalls.

It wasn’t a joke, and Bo undertook a DNA test that showed she had Italian blood, confirming that she was indeed the child of her mother and a man of Italian heritage named Bruno, following an affair decades earlier. Her mum had known about her paternity all along, but kept quiet.

To make matters worse, Bruno had died five years before Bo found out he even existed.

The consequences of the revelation led to a breakdown in family relationships, with Bo becoming estranged from her mother and step-father, and wondering how to cope.

“I spent a year crying every day, wondering what I’d done to deserve this,” she explains.

“I had really mixed feelings about Bruno. I didn’t put him on a pedestal, but I didn’t demonize him either. I realised I would never hear my biological father tell me he loved me, and of course I would never get to meet him. I would have loved to have met him.”

Bo ended up taking a characteristically energetic approach to her situation, tracking down previously unknown relatives. Some welcomed her, but others didn’t, delivering a rollercoaster ride of setbacks and new beginnings.

She spent time travelling and wrote about her experiences, and also talked to friends with raw honesty and courage. She wondered about the life of the man who was her father, and what her own life would have been like had she found out at a much earlier age.

“My advice to anyone is to face reality, and don’t lie to yourself and your family members about such important things. This lie rocked my world, my sense of self, and how I fit into the world. It will always hurt, but I’m more at ease with it now.”

The knowledge of an unknown parent also influenced the way Bo thought about herself and her identity, with her father’s ancestry unveiling another interpretation of her life so far.

“Bruno is not around anymore, but he leaves me with an Italian heritage I never knew I had. It explains why I look different to my childhood family, and perhaps a few other things too like how expressive I am, and the fact I talk with my hands.”

Bo took the time to visit Italy a few years ago, and felt a closer connection with the country than she would ever have expected.

“I’m proud of myself for going, and for getting through all this. Writing and talking have helped me deal with the situation a lot, and my friends have been my strength.”

“I don’t have a family in the same way as most other people, and my dad died before I even knew he was my dad. My mum blatantly lied to me and other people for decades, and denied me the chance to get to know Bruno.”

“I know many other people with difficult upbringings, but you have to be honest with yourself and realistic, and find ways to work through what has occurred.”

“One thing that really helped me was sorting out a proper home for myself. After bouncing around for years, this gave me the stability I needed to cope, to work through things, to consider what I have lost and to think about the future.”

Bo’s story is yet another demonstration of how death and family relationships are not always straightforward, and how necessary it is to treat complex and troubling situations with thoughtfulness and compassion.

Many people have found themselves in similar situations, but on the wider scale, Bo sees a more promising time ahead with fewer unpleasant surprises for unsuspecting children.

“DNA testing is now accessible to everyone, it’s easy and it’s cheap,” she says. “So I really hope that other people don’t have to go through what I went through – there’s nowhere to hide anymore.”